You can listen to the talk by clicking below, or read the talk just underneath.
WHY
I BELIEVE—MY SHATTERED HEART MADE WHOLE
Gina
Ashby 3/2/14
My desire this morning is to convey the deep
and immense love of God, a love that is so real that it can mend the broken
heart. I know because my own heart was
once shattered into a million pieces.
After eight years of struggle, and despite my family’s best efforts,
fasting, and endless prayer, my sweet older brother ended his life.
I’m going to attempt to describe what the
healing process has been like for me. The path has been rough, unpredictable,
and sometimes felt like I’d only been moving backwards, but through it I’ve
learned God never leaves us alone.
THE
PAIN:
I cannot describe the pain and agony that
swept over me and my family having to bury my brother at the age of 23. Life became very dark. I felt like I entered a nightmare that would
prevent me from ever feeling truly happy. I was absolutely broken. The morning after receiving the tragic news
and relaying the news to my family I stared at the mountains terrified of the
painful climb ahead of me, but resolved to face things head on, determined to
heal and do whatever it would take, no matter how hard. I pleaded for God to help me through such a
daunting process.
If I could boil my 15 years of healing down
to four key components, it would include these words: See, Search, Thank, and Give.
SEE:
Once the choice was made to push forward, I
had to try to see through God’s eyes—to see the situation, my brother, myself,
life and death the way God sees. This was
really the process that freed me of anger. God sees beauty and intention. He sees potential and opportunity for
growth. He sees the big picture and the
end result. What He sees from such a
high vantage point gives us a glimmer of hope, tolerance, patience, and
forgiveness. It helps us recognize that
we can press forward in faith and hope for something better to come.
About two months after my brother’s death, I
found myself in Guatemala on a humanitarian effort. My agony was so intense. One incredibly starry night, I cried out to God,
telling him how much I hated my new reality, how I didn’t want this new life, I
didn’t ask for it. I was angry that
reality meant our family was incomplete, I wouldn’t be able to see or talk to
my brother any more, my future husband and children wouldn’t know him. After giving a lengthy list of reasons why I
hated reality, I heard a calm voice say to my mind, “Stop hating reality.
Reality is—a Savior has been provided.
Reality is—He has overcome death and paid the price of our sins. Reality is—you will see your brother again!” I suddenly zoomed out and saw the bigger picture of what that
reality is and how glorious it is. I
realized that the reasons I mourned were temporary and ultimately conquered by
Jesus Christ. How instantly grateful I became when my perspective of life and
death was shown to me in the way that God sees it. My sorrow turned to
rejoicing. Oh, how I love reality!
SEARCH:
After I received the awful news, feeling
sick, I went into another room and collapsed to the floor, feeling as though my
heart would stop from such pain, I started to quietly sing the words of the
hymn “Where Can I Turn For Peace?” I knew my only hope was to turn to Christ to
save me. I resolved to draw close to the Lord and ensue an all-out push towards
Him.
Coupled with prayer, I have found no better
way to propel myself toward God than by a sincere reading of the Book of
Mormon. The Book of Mormon literally
changed the course of my life when the missionaries asked me to take an
unmarked copy and read it as though I had never seen it before in my life. I
was to mark, with a red pencil, all the passages that answered life’s most
important questions to me. I read with a
long list of desperate questions—Does God truly exist?, Does He really have a
plan for us?, Can families truly be together again after we die? These were things I’d believed all my life,
but suddenly were put in question with a desperate need to know the answers. As
I read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover, a power swept through my soul
with hope and reassurance opening my understanding to who Jesus Christ is, what
He offers us, and how we obtain healing and deliverance. I was astonished that almost every page
speaks of Him. I love that holy book of scripture. It calmed my troubled soul and really started
to heal me. There is power in that book to draw everyone closer to God. Do you
need answers? Healing? A testimony? I invite everyone everywhere to take a copy
of the Book of Mormon and read it as though you’ve never seen it before. I promise you miracles.
THANK:
Filling your heart with gratitude is a huge
key to healing. Look for every possible
thing to be grateful for, and as that list starts to flow you’ll find it’s hard
to stop adding to it. You then recognize
the Giver of the gifts—everything comes from God as demonstration of His love.
A grateful heart cannot be an angry heart.
There is a softening that takes place when we fill our hearts with
gratitude, a door that opens us to more of God’s love, and an urge to repay
Him.
I learned to fill my heart with gratitude for
the Savior and look forward with anxious, joyful anticipation to the day of the
Savior’s return. I learned for myself
that even my brother has full access to the Atonement, that his spirit is
alive, often near, that his mind is now clear.
I know that I will be rushing to his open arms after this life is
over. Now it is my turn to do all I must
do to be with him. I live each day
longing for that day and make choices with that scene in mind. Truly, when you
weigh everything, the reasons to be grateful and rejoice far outweigh the
reasons to mourn.
GIVE:
The fourth component of healing for me
required an outward focus, a shift of attending to my own wounds and turning to
the wounds of others, even if I didn’t feel like it. Getting out of myself and
looking for ways to help others proved to be incredibly strengthening and brought
tender blessings from heaven.
Noticing the healing take place in my heart,
I felt a deep desire to show the Lord my gratitude and serve a full-time
mission. And what did He do? He assigned
me to go back to my family’s happy childhood home of Helsinki, Finland, but
this time as a missionary, wearing the name of Jesus Christ upon my heart. That
was a place where the best times for our family happened before things got hard
for my brother. Going back there brought back many wonderful forgotten memories
and filled my heart with joy. I even returned to our old house and after
explaining I had lived there as a young girl, and was welcomed in to the very
living room where our family had knelt in prayer so many times, and shared the
powerful message of God’s Plan of Happiness.
Yes, God wants to heal us! I bore witness daily to the people in that
great country, some of whom had also lost loved ones, that because of the
Savior’s Atonement—His incredible selfless sacrifice, there is a purpose for
this life. Christ’s Church has been restored to the earth with power in His
temples to seal families together forever. Through His prophets and apostles in
our day so much truth and light has been revealed from heaven. I loved testifying that Jesus Christ has
already paid the price, desires to heal and cleanse us, and never gives up on
any one of us.
THE
MIRACLE:
At the end of my missionary service, I
scanned my soul and could not find an ounce of pain. And my heart? Not even a crack! I was astonished
that I was whole! It was a total miracle. Repeatedly working to See through God’s eyes, Search for Him, Thank Him, and Give
service to others brought about a mighty change in my once-shattered heart.
Through the Atonement of Christ, darkness, resentment and pain were replaced
with purpose, faith, and a brightness of hope.
Becoming whole meant for me a peaceful acceptance
of what had happened and a release of blame towards everyone involved. It
included my consenting to let my brother live where he is now, and a resolve to
live where I am with a greater degree of patience and recognition that our
realms overlap. With this acceptance came an inner harmony and wholeness,
trusting that the Lord will do what He says He is will do. In other words, faith in Christ and
application of His Atonement enable His power to flow through and heal us. This is not to say we are free from future
heartache. I miss my brother everyday. Triggers still cause stabs of pain, but
do not “re-break” my heart. I most quickly come back to acceptance when
applying the principles of See, Search, Thank, and Give.
God is aware of us. We are His work. We are
His full-time/over-time job. As a loving
parent so invested in our progress, our Heavenly Father has provided the
perfect conditions to refine us, away from His presence here on earth. He respects our freedom to choose for
ourselves, and knows that there will be pain, suffering, and injustice in the
world because of it. But with that same
freedom we can choose compassion,
empathy, patience, courage, faith, to practice forgiving others, and experience
the sweetness of being forgiven. He deserves our trust, our gratitude, our awe,
our loyalty, and our worship.
Why do I believe all of this? It is because I was almost completely ruined,
seemingly irreparably. I needed
Him. And He came. It is my greatest joy to know Him more
deeply. In coming to know Him, I have
discovered how desperately I need Him. I
have learned that "Happiness is not the absence of pain, but the presence
of God. “ I need Him to cleanse me to be worthy to return to our Father in
Heaven and be with my brother again. There is so much more God desires to bless
us with. All He asks is that we come to
Him, broken heart and all. I testify
that if we have even the tiniest speck of desire to believe, to repent, to be
baptized, to receive His Spirit, and to endure with faith to the end, God’s
love will carry us through the trials of life, heal our wounded souls, and give
us reason to rejoice!
A youtube video of the talk can be found HERE. This is great to share with friends!
A youtube video of the talk can be found HERE. This is great to share with friends!
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